I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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