I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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