Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
