it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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