The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
