no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's official drugs can't kill me
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
