The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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