Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
