i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
