The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
