I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
