I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
