OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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