I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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