My sheets look like a crime scene.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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