I just cut my nipple shaving
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's just like the Real World with babies
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere