Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.