I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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