I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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