hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
