Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
