Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
