I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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