Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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