Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize