We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
