I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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