My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
