Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
