Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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