Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
