maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
