Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Randomize
