i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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