He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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