My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
