Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
