I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
