forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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