You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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