my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
