My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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