my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
