Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
