He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
