I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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