Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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