I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
