i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
