I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
