giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
