I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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