I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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