Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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