hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
