my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
