Moan for me like Helen Keller
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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