how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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