Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
