If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This can only be settled by a dance off.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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