I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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