don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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