Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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