The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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