By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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