Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
