Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
