he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
